Saturday's Woes

Here it is Saturday again. I wanted to go out shopping but knew that I would be in so much pain that it would be not be worth it. It's also really cold out today, -17 with the wind chill and the cold always makes my pain worse. The changing weather makes my pain worse too. I can always tell when there is a storm or a major change in the weather imminent because my pain gets intolerable and pain medications don't seem to work.

But I really wanted to get out today, see the stores with the Easter decorations and see all the Easter candy and stuff. It was just not to be. Kelly took her mother shopping and I know they don't mind if I tag along but I would have just been a burden and they wouldn't feel comfortable to go into the stores and leave me in the car with a book or magazine. I am sure I would have been content but then there is the awful cold. So, instead I have been home alone all afternoon. Got some cards ready to be mailed, had a couple of Ensures and some Jello but nothing solid. My esophagus is going into such spasms every time I try to eat solid food and the pain it causes in my chest is just not worth it. I am going to have a motility study done April 1 and then the specialist will discuss it with the surgeon and they will decide what is to be done to repair the damage. I'm sure not looking forward to that surgery! It is major chest surgery (last time they actually removed one of my ribs to get to the esophagus) and I'm not as young as when I first had similar surgery. It is so hard to give up solids because just as soon as you tell them they start telling you about some scrumptious new recipe or something.

I am feeling so very tired right now. I know that it's the pain, it just drains me of all energy and leaves me feeling like an empty shell. It hurts everywhere, my back, my shoulder blades, my arms and hands, my legs and feet are like huge lumps of painful flesh. They don't even feel like legs and feet, just long, painful appendages sticking out of my lower body. My daughter is bringing my grandchildren in for me to babysit for two hours and I just don't know how I will do it if Kelly doesn't get home by then. I love them so much but I am SO tired and hurting SO much. How can I say no? They have no one else to look after the boys and I know that so I do the best I can.

I always wonder how other grandmothers do it.