Feeling ?Better????

The last time I posted I was finally starting to feel better from having double pneumonia. That did resolve but then I started having chest pain. My doctor has prescribed Advair for me but I haven't been able to get it - have to wait for "special authorization" to cover the cost.

This chest pain seems to be related to anxiety - at least most of the time. I've had the blood tests, ECG and Chest Xray and have an appointment with a cardiologist September 8th. I almost think that this is related to my esophagus but I'm not absolutely sure of that. With all this excess weight (70lbs) it wouldn't surprise me to find out my heart is struggling. Chronic pain is very hard on the heart and this is why doctors are willing to prescribe pain medications - to reduce the strain from dealing with constant, unending pain.

I don't know what is worse - the pain or the disbelief you see when you tell someone about it. You can just see them thinking "Pain! She would probably be fine if she lost all that blubber. She's just using pain as an excuse to be lazy." Even when you come home from the doctor with a Rx for pain, they don't believe it. They just don't want to believe it because then they would have to be at least somewhat sympathetic.

I am still anxiously awaiting my power chair which will give me a lot more freedom to get out and about. I'm told it should only be two weeks but I thought that at the beginning of the month. I'm just worried that once I have the ability to get out and about, my partner will feel left out and it will put distance between us both literally and figuratively. Hopefully, after twenty years we are strong enough to withstand the change.

Depression Rears its Ugly Head

I hate to say it, because I don't want it to be true, but I think I am getting depressed. For 9 days now, I have not ventured out of our apartment. I sleep a lot during the day and stay up all night. I realized that I have been procrastinating with everything. Avoiding things that must be done or taken care of. I got our budget all messed up this month and now we have a week still left this month and we are beyond broke. How did I let things go like this? Usually, I am right on top of the budget and things we planned to do.

Depression is one of those unfortunate facts of life for people like myself that are suffering from chronic pain. The last couple of days weren't so bad for pain but before that the days were a blur of nothing but pain. I know that the depression is just a reaction to the continuous pain and I have to work hard to stop it from taking hold of me when the pain eases. I just don't have any fight in me this time, no energy to even pretend. My Mom was here today and it was just not in me to pretend. I finally have my Mom come for a visit (the last time was when we had moved here) and I was barely functional. I really hate that about myself.

We are supposed to go out to Pamela's tomorrow for Jacob's birthday a little early so that Pamela and Efrain can use the pick up truck to come to town and pick up Kelly's bed from my Mom's and bring it over here and then take the old beds to their place. My old single bed (I just got a hospital bed) is going to Daniel and they are taking the headboard and footboard from Kelly's bed and, last but not least, Kelly's bed can be put out for their garbage pick up. We can't put anything like that out in the garbage here in the city. The problem is that I don't know if I will be able to make myself go out. The plan was for us to look after the children while they came in to do all this and I just can't see me having the patience to look after all five boys! Even with Kelly's help it just looks like such a daunting task.

My upper back and hips are really hurting and so are my ankles and hands - it's starting to spread through my body. I have to leave for now. Take care everybody and I hope your day will be painfree. PLEASE - check out this website because I found it very helpful and even very thought provoking - http://www.beliefnet.com/painmanagement/